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Guest post by Peachy Keenan
The wretched fools who run Current Year Hollywood have done something really stupid. Stupider than that lesbian kiss in Lightyear. Dumber than putting Jennifer Lawrence is a willful teen sex movie. Not as stupid as all the things Kathleen Kennedy does, but still, pretty stupid.
They made a Barbie movie, for adults.
Today a traditional friend asked me if she could take her girls to see the next Barbie movie. She’s not on Twitter, so I had to be the bearer of bad news, and it wasn’t that Barbie had an absurd PG-13 rating or included an unfunny “I spot you!” (Get it?) Argument between the Kens.
If you were planning to take your girls to see Barbie, you might be in for a big surprise. Today, Time magazine they revealed their new cover with the cast of the upcoming film, and I was years old today when I learned that Warner Bros. did the unthinkable: they cast a man as a Barbie.
We should know.
For months now, a pink storm has been gathering around the first live-action Barbie movie. Leaked movie clips, set photos and fevered anticipation from a surprising source: the youth of the right. barbie memes they have flooded the timeline. “This is the aesthetic that will save us. The pendulum is swinging back hard.” Words of hope fill hearts with joy in this dark and ugly time. And how could they not? The perfection of a brunette and blonde Aussie bombshell in a pink miniskirt and a pink 1956 Corvette convertible is natural catnip to a certain online demo of men stubbornly attracted to traditional ideals of feminine beauty (warning! Gasp, not these! No one can resist Margot Robbie in a micro mini and bombs; can you blame them, or her? As Yeats said, why, what could she have done, being what she is? Was there another Troy to burn her?
You see, the new Barbie movie, with all its retro and vintage neon aesthetics, was going to be based on. It was one get back. It wasn’t over and we’re back. After all, he starred in that rarest of contemporary film landmarks: an attractive white heterosexual couple! Meme favorite Ryan Gosling with white blond hair played Ken, and Ken wasn’t gay! Finally, amazingly, we were going to get a giant Hollywood movie with a female star of a higher altitude who wore many beautiful dresses! Set designers used so much Pantone 209 pink paint that there was a sudden worldwide shortage!
After all, Barbie is still very much a tradition. She is the iconic image of classic American femininity: beautiful, sweet, kind and adored by all, especially preppy arm candy Ken. He may not have a lot of junk in that molded plastic trunk, but he exudes an unconditional good-guy attitude. He’s true to his main squeeze, ready to take her by the arm as she wobbles in 10-inch heels. The world may fade and fall apart, but in their pink paradise, Barbie and Ken will splash out on a dream house for eternity.
Enter Greta, doll destroyer
Oh! Here comes the anticipation subvertersin the form of the notorious icon destroyer Greta Gerwig.
Not even Barbie and Ken are immune to the predation of the modern girl subverters of expectations. Gerwig, who made “Little Women” a manifesto for girls in petticoats, also wrote and directed “Lady Bird,” which I found pleasantly funny.
For “Barbie,” Gerwig and star Margot Robbie, who also produced the film, faced an impossible task. How to make the main character likable after 50 years of feminist hate and scorn has reduced the doll to just an oppressive collection of unattainables, and worst of all, focused on men standards of female beauty? She is thin, flexible, blonde, blue-eyed and white. Barbie has never had anxiety or taken anti-depressants. Barbie has never thought about her pronouns. Barbie has never questioned her gender, been drunk, or done things she shouldn’t have done in Vegas or Burning Man. Barbie has no tattoos. It has a total of two piercings, just for sparkly earrings. Barbie has never been on Tinder. In fact, poor Barbie is probably still a virgin, saving herself for the day when the Pink Fairy turns Ken into a real man. Despite decades of “staying relevant” updates and new career options, Barbie has never strayed too far from her primordial DNA as a rookie who spends her weekends at the pool and beach club.
All that pink monogrammed luggage was probably the impetus behind the original casting of Amy Schumer as Barbie. They were going subvert expectations featuring the stunt casting of an apple-shaped, potty-mouthed comedian known for his enormous body count and endless dick jokes. Allegedly, Schumer dropped out because the script wasn’t feminist enough.
Smash cut to: Greta Gerwig writes new script for Margot Robbie. One that involves Barbie suddenly becoming self-aware, asking the dolls if they “ever think about death.”
As shown in the new trailer, his frozen tiptoe feet are suddenly left. She loses her supernatural doll powers to float off her roof and land unharmed in her car. Meet the cynical Butch Lesbian Barbie, played by Kate MacKinnon (called Weird Barbie in the film), who in a Matrix-like moment makes Barbie choose to stay in Barbieland (“where all the problems of feminism and equal rights have been settled.” ) by selecting the pink high heel, or choose to leave for the real-world feminist paradise represented by a comfortable brown Birkenstock. Barbie takes the Birkenstock pill and breaks free from her perfect prison.
(It reminds me of the plot of “Elf,” and to underline that joke, Will Ferrell plays Mattel’s CEO.)
barbie hairdresser
The film also features some stunt casting that I wasn’t expecting. One of the three Diversity Barbies who play the companions of the main character he is a man. A white man, no less. In the new trailer, this white guy appears on screen only briefly; it’s easy to miss him, despite his strangely deep voice.
Here we go again: a white man stealing a plum job from a biological woman. Thank you, feminism.
And: Transgender “woman” Hari Nef not only plays a Barbie, he was cast as… doctor barbie Yes, kids, there is a transgender doctor in the Barbie movie. Message: Girls can be anything, even doctors, as long as they were born male.
It’s unclear whether Hari Nef’s hairy nards are still intact or not, but if she’s a transgender woman, that means she’ll be the first Barbie ever with anatomically accurate genitalia (ie, no head).
I would have liked to see the faces of the Warner Bros. executives. and Mattel’s nervous CEO Ynon Kreis when they realized they’d accidentally painted themselves into a Bud Light-level corner. I know they’re nervous, because there’s been almost a total media blackout on trans casting until this week, the last week of Pride Month. What probably seemed like innocuous, perversely subversive casting in 2021 was suddenly, in the cold light of Dylan Mulvaney’s chin and jutting, curvaceous hips, a blunder of epic proportions.
This is why you don’t know Doctor FrankenBarbie. From the rooftops they never touched it. Hari Nef is not mentioned in the many articles about the glorious and multi-colored cast. There will be no Hari Nef doll complete with her own set of tiny pink vaginal dilators. Sorry, kids!
Here, from an MSN articleNef is completely left out:
Issa Rae, who plays President Barbie, added: ‘My concern was that she would feel too white feminist, but I think she’s self-aware. Barbie Land is perfect, right? It represents perfection. So if perfection is just a bunch of white Barbies, I don’t know that anyone can accept that. Other Barbies in the film include Kate McKinnon as Weird Barbie, Alexandra Shipp as Writer Barbie, Sharon Rooney as Lawyer Barbie, Nicola Coughlan as Diplomat Barbie and Dua Lipa as Mermaid Barbie.”
No Twitter Anon Barbie? Sad! i was almost We were looking forward to this movie as a semi-delicious meander through some basic childhood toy memories, but not anymore. I hate to say it, but “Barbie” is the most stylish, visually appealing, and therefore insidious packaging of feminist clichés and trans grooming we’ve seen yet.
Please try to convey “Barbie” more than Hairy Nef is trying to pass off as an icon of femininity.
Peachy Keenan is the author of “Domestic Extremist: A Practical Guide to Winning the Culture War” (Regnery). She is a senior contributor to The Federalist and a contributing editor and regular essayist to The American Mind, a publication of The Claremont Institute. Also write a peachykeenan.substack.comand you can always find her on Twitter @keenanpeachyat least until it is cancelled.
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