Saturday Night Live’s cOld open this weekend featured former President Donald Trump at the site of the toxic train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio, giving a meandering speech that touched on topics ranging from Rihanna’s performance in the middle Super Bowl time to Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg.
The thirteenth episode of the new season opened with James Austin Johnson’s Trump delivering an address while flanked by residents of East Palestine – “Not a great name” – and repeatedly veering off-topic.
OHIO TRAIN DERAIL: TRUMP HAS A MESSAGE FOR BIDEN FROM EAST PALESTINE: ‘GO HERE’
“I had to come here and see these wonderful people who have been abandoned [President Joe] Biden. He is on spring break in Ukraine with his friend [Ukrainian President Volodymyr] Zelensky in the shirt, very disrespectful,” Trump said. “But I’m here and I’ve brought hats and cameras and hats, because it’s terrible what’s going on here.”
“You know, today, a farmer came up to me, big fellow, and he said, ‘Sir, we don’t have anything to eat because our dirt is poisoned,’ and I said, ‘Well, what are you doing eating the dirt”. ?’ Don’t eat the dirt people. Don’t eat the dirt. You should be eating the cold McDonald’s I brought you,” he continued.
The fictional Trump then digressed and brought up Rihanna’s halftime show, which the real Trump had called the “worst” of all time.
“I’ve heard all about your water situation, but I was looking at your river and it’s so bright,” Trump said of Johnson. “I’ve never seen such beautiful water. Beautiful rainbows and fades, it’s great. Wear makeup, Fenty Beauty water.”
“Rihanna, by the way, you know she was pregnant doing the Super Bowl, can you believe it?” added. “I said, ‘Of course it is, it’s not moving at all. It was just arms, wasn’t it?” She was just making arms the whole time.”
Returning to the dangerous derailment disaster, Trump criticized the current transportation secretary for his response to the crisis.
“Your train blew up and who do we blame? Who do we blame? We blame Buttigieg. Pete Buge-dege-edge. That was his responsibility, unfortunately he was too busy being a nerd and being gay to help with the much more important thing .the issue of whether the trains have a big poison,” Trump said. “My name is Pete Butt. There’s no way around it being the best. Believe me, I’ve tried it anyway, and it’s really no better than Pete Butt.”
Trump later said he felt he could “Schitt’s Creek this place,” referring to the award-winning comedy about a wealthy family forced to live in a small, working-class town, before introducing his surprise guest: Emily Kohrs. , the foreman of the Georgia special grand jury that investigated Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election.
“You’ve seen her talk all over TV this week,” Trump said while introducing Kohrs, played by Chloe Fineman.
“He’s an odd duck, but we like him,” he added as Fineman’s Kohrs made unintelligible noises. “She is seven or 40, we cannot tell. But she has a great secret for such a strange young lady.”
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“Potentially, I could. I don’t know,” Kohrs replied. “You just want me to ruin the case, but I guess I can say we’ve been saying your name a lot.”
“Can you believe this? They almost had me and then this little pony comes in and saves the day,” Trump said with a smile. “Do we like her or what? She looks like Haley Joel Osment and she’s my best friend!”